Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
