Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
