You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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