No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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