My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Pooping to opera.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
