Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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