I wish I could punch you in the face.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
