Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
