after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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