my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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