Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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