He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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