im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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