smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
