Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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