my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
