Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
pop tarts are not kleenex
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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