chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
