upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
