I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i will never coherently bang her
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
