In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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