did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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