its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
