I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
