and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
