she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i think i have two assholes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We got so high we made milksteak
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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