Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
