I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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