the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
