I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
