No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
