I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize