I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
