wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
why do cheetos always look like penises
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
