apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think my mom watched the whole time
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
