So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
In America we eat man semen.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
