apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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