I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She told me I should be a condom model.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Randomize
