i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
