I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
FUCK WHALES
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
