I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
