I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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