i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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