I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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