gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
