Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
