I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
