How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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