I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
