I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
