can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
