Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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