I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
