I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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