this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
