I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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