In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
