I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
