This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
