when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
