wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
